Oh That's What You Meant

I did a game at a seminar once where my partner and I had to alternate drawing images, like a circle or triangle, on a pad of paper. One would draw the picture, then not show it to the other, but describe how to draw it. The other then had to try to faithfully reproduce the image from the description. Since we were both math teachers, immediately we both imagined a graph, and then described how to draw the image in terms of which coordinate points to connect. So it was easy for us to reproduce a triangle without being told it was a triangle. Not only that, we could reproduce the exact kind of triangle. But for the average person, telling someone how to draw a triangle without telling them it is a triangle, is not a simple task, certainly not if you want to get the same kind of one.

A lot of what we do when we get to know somebody involves figuring out what certain words and behaviors mean to them, and not us. For instance, I describe myself as prompt, and by that I mean I am always on time or a few minutes early. Others think of themselves as prompt as long as, most of the time, they arrive anywhere less than 15 minutes late. And still others, who are always late to everything, might call themselves prompt, even though anyone who knows them realizes that's nonsense. So in this last case, you get to know that the word "prompt" means something entirely different to them than it does to you.

I've known some people who thought of themselves as honest, but by that they meant that they routinely told half-truths so they didn't have to lie. And there are plenty of people who call themselves honest because it's just another lie to them. But it is difficult to find that out when you only see someone now and then, or worse, only meet them online. It isn't even easy when you know somebody intimately if they deliberately try to deceive you. Granted, Madame Butterfly was an extreme situation, but almost anyone who has had lovers has had some who were lying cheaters, too.

People who enter into online affairs need to be reminded of this, because through words exchanged they build up a mental image of the special person, and it is easy to forget that the person you have in mind is a person who only exists in your mind! If you're lucky, the real person will match up with the mental one. But even if two online friends are completely honest with each other, some words may mean different things to each of them, and that must always be kept in mind.