Change

Is change good? Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. The change from a slave holding United States to a non-slave holding one is universally considered good. The change experienced by an egg salad sandwich left out in the sun on a hot summer day is not. Sometimes people change for the better, and sometimes they change for the worse, and it is easy to damn those that change for the worse, although it is not always fair.

Consider the person who started as an occasional drinker and then progressively followed a course of "more is better" until now he is a barely functional alcoholic. In that case, it's pretty fair to say bad choices were made by that person. Even if the increase in drinking was "caused" by bad things happening to him, the drinking certainly was no way to address the problems. After all, other people have literally lost everything they had in a fire or flood, and they didn't go on to drown themselves in drink.

There is another kind of change worth considering, that of a car running out of gas or a bucket spilling over the edge once it is filled up. A car will run very well with no evidence of a problem, right up until the tank runs dry. The sudden change is not the fault of the car or the gas tank, but of the one who fills it up. When a bucket is filled to the top, it will spill over if more water is put into it. Again, not the fault of the bucket, but of the person filling it. The most apt metaphor for the human condition is that of the last straw upon the camel's back. The weight piles up, the load stays off the ground, until a point is reached where the back breaks. Again, not the fault of the camel, but of the loader.

Oftentimes, one spouse will accuse the other of having changed, and I suppose sometimes this is true. Perhaps the spouse grew in a good way, perhaps they decayed in a bad way. But I think we do a disservice to people when we don't consider what prompted the change. Perhaps it was a case more like the bucket. Perhaps the husband was an abusive, unfeeling bastard, there were children involved, and the wife was filled up with grief and despair--and then the opportunity for an affair came along, not that it was looked for, but suddenly there was something to empty the bucket a bit. Good solution? No. Permanent solution? Nope. Understandable stopgap measure? Entirely possible. When needs are not met one way, they will be met in another.

I'm thinking about this today because the matter of Governor Sanford of SC is in the news. While scorn is being heaped upon the Governor for his behavior, most of which was, admittedly, stupid, no one has bothered to ask what his marriage was like. Maybe his wife is a cold bitch. Think about it--if he just wanted to get laid or have simple affair, he could find it closer to home than Argentina. Maybe, if we knew all there was to know, and walked a mile in his shoes, we wouldn't wonder so much about why he had an affair, but rather how he was able to avoid one for so long?